Defeat is a funny thing. It stirs all emotions in me from anger, to gratitude to humility to humiliation. I can say that I have turned away from more summits that I have actually achieved. Either it was too dangerous, or I was too weak (mentally, physically, emotionally). Of course, in the moment, I blame it on the weather, snow condition, gear… Never on me. Of course, it wouldn’t be me. Especially if it a peak I have trained for and planned for. Something I prepared for long and hard, put it together and still came up short. Of course, that wouldn’t be my fault. But usually, it is. That’s a blow to my ego, to my story that I am a hero, a man’s man, and that I should be able to do anything I set my mind to.

Today I received such a blow. I didn’t make a summit that I had planned for, worked years on preparing for, one I felt ready for. This wasn’t a physical summit, but a mental one, a test. One that I was sure I would pass. As a matter of fact, one that has a national passing rate of over 90%. Surely, I wasn’t one of the 10% that wasn’t going to fail. But I did. I am. I was shocked. I was in disbelief; first stage, right?

So what’s it mean? What do I do now? Did I prepare the best I could, and is that enough? Clearly the test creators say it isn’t enough, which means, I’m not enough. Right? Isn’t that what this test is trying to show?

I feel sad, but also numb. I was angry. So angry in fact, I thought I would break my hand punching the innocent car dashboard. Was I angry with the car? Ha, no. Was I angry with the test? Come to think of it, it wasn’t me that failed the test, the test was crap. The questions weren’t fair and I had the right answers, even if they were marked wrong. All of that, of course, is a lie. I was angry with myself. Angry that I somehow missed the mark.

Once the anger had passed, I realized that I wasn’t angry. I was sad. There was a lot hanging on this test, and I blew it. Now what will happen to my plans? What will I tell my friends and family? How will I tell my wife that the last 7 years built up to this point, and I failed? I thought maybe I could bribe someone to nudge me over the mark. Maybe I could make a deal with someone. Can I call and get an official to go over it?

Then I realized. I’m not angry. I’m not sad. I am scared, terrified. Does this mean I am fraud? Maybe. I have to be willing to admit that I am not who I think I am (the man I hope I am). Maybe I am less of what I think, not as smart or as funny or as … anything… as I thought. Maybe this is the moment when we really see the man behind the curtain, and maybe that man isn’t really a man. I’m scared that I don’t have what it will take to make it if I can’t pass an entry level exam. I’m scared that, even though I felt like I knew the material, I had prepared and worked hard, I still don’t have what it takes.  I have to be willing to accept it, even if I don’t think that’s the case.

I have turned away from more summits that I have been on top of. That doesn’t stop me from climbing as high as I can, enjoying the climb along the way, and returning another day to reach the top. So, I was slapped down today, hard. It hurts. I want to sit and cry about it, and for a moment I have. But at the end of the day, I need to stand up, strap on my pack and start climbing. Right now, it hurts and I don’t know how to do it any better, but… time to get up. Let’s keep climbing.