This is a striking statement made by the German philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche. Often, I believe, this is a misunderstood statement. In my studies of Nietzsche, I don’t think he was proclaiming the truth of atheism, but rather something much more profound.

It could be argued that he was writing about the aftermath of enlightenment and the difficulty believing in the modern-day Christian God. Consider, for years, the Christian word was the final word on science, math, the world, politics, ect. Then the enlightenment came around and challenged that. Showing that the then Christian thought process was clearly flawed. So then, the all power word of God, as uttered by the clergy, was being killed; God was, then, dead or dying.

I tend to think that his expression on the death of the immortal is a bit more profound…
I think Nietzsche was trying to illustrate that we as a society, as well as individuals, have become creatures. We create morals (which was once entirely a divine attribute), we create ethics, philosophies, rules of life and action, we discover and define rules of the natural order. Therefore, the death of God is the birth of our responsibility. It is an affirmation of the need for finding oneself and being true and responsible to that ‘self’. When we take on the mantle of creation (which has always been reserved for Godhood), we shoulder the responsibility of that creation. We then determine what has value, or better, what will have meaning and what won’t.

I believe we strive to life to learn to become who and what we are. As Shakespeare put it in the mouth of Macbeth, “I dare do all that may become a man, who dares do more is none.” Or, from another one of my favorites, Walt Whitman’s explanation in Prometheus Unbound:

O to struggle against great odds, to meet enemies undaunted!
To be entirely alone with them, to find how much one can stand!
To look strife, torture, prison, popular odium, face to face!
To mount the scaffold, to advance to the muzzles of guns with
perfect nonchalance!
To be indeed a God!

This is daunting, if you think about it. So, Nietzsche follows it up with a couple of questions. Essentially, where do we go from here, and , “how shall we comfort ourselves, the murderers of all murderers?” Comforting oneself is difficult, but a necessary part of life. “So, how do you?” There in, as the bard would tell us, lies the rub. Perhaps it gets easier, the further down the path of self-realization. But I believe, our focus just changes and the superfluous worries of life fall away.

I know I have written this before: This is my favorite time of year. The Christmas high chased by the resolution to make ourselves better. People are trying to reflect the best of themselves and aspire to become better in several ways; myself included.

Not to mention this is the day my oldest kid, Lexi, was born. It was snowing when she was born, and I felt like the angles had all come to see her. She has proven to be something quite extraordinary. She has shown me more about the love the world around me and the grand plan of the universe than I think I will ever show her.

So, in the true fashion of making a list of things I want to do to improve myself, and in hopes they last longer than 6 weeks, here’s my 2024 list:

1. 6 camping trips
2. 1 book a month (actually read, not listen)
3. Write in my blog more – once a week
4. Write my kids emails (I’ll tell you more about this another time)
5. Social media sabbath (one day a week, no social media)
6. Recommit to meditation – daily, minimum of 15 min
7. I carb meal/ treat/ cheat a week.
8. See all the parks in Utah
9. Get out of Utah (vacation) at least twice
   

Good luck to you and your goals. I sincerely hope that you prove to yourself how wonderful you are.

Yep. I do. Before I explain why, let me tell you about the day I was told Santa isn’t real.

A cold day in December I was sitting in a cold, pea green Pinto outside my dad’s apartment. It smelled of old seats and a mix of gas, oil and the crisp winter that seems to make your nose sting. I was sitting in the passenger seat with my dad in the driver’s seat. I don’t remember what we were talking about before we parked, but I remember him telling me that the jolly ‘ol St Nick isn’t real and it was in fact (brace yourself): him and my mom!

My eyes started to sting and the tears welled. I turned my face out my window to hide my disappointment and maybe my embarrassment. My little 9 year old self: embarrassed that I didn’t know that the story was just a myth. Disappointed that everyone I knew was lying to me. My whole family (I am the youngest of 4 boys) was playing me. My mom!? I couldn’t wrap my mind around it, but somehow I knew he was right. My dad left me in the car, alone, cold and crushed, to gather my thoughts and pick up the pieces of what he had just gently broke. My mind reeled: I knew there couldn’t possibly be a man who traveled the entire western world with reindeer and a sled. Not to mention that the dude in the mall looked different every year and my mom’s excuse of “he’s a Santa helper,” didn’t seem legit to me. But that Satna’s not real at all? I don’t remember what happened after that. I’m not sure how I moved on, or what I did to come to grasp with the truth of the new world around me. A world that, in an instant, was much less magical.

As I age I see the world with a little more compassion. I see us all struggling along the way, doing the best we can with what we have. Most of the time, we are doing so well. Sometimes, when our better nature peeks through our egotistical and scared shell, we see others in need and want to help alleviate some of the pain we see. Sometimes we do it, sometimes we don’t. When we do, sometimes we do it and seek the high of charity we feel burn inside us. Sometimes we don’t seek that feeling at all, we simply want to be part of magic of goodness in the world.

I believe that we all have the ability to be a source of magic, goodness, kindness, and love. I hope that we have the ability to do it absolutely selflessly. And here, we introduce Santa Clause.

See, I am Santa. So are you, so is my mom, and my dad and the stranger that paid for my diner that night I was broken and alone in a dinner away from home. I believe that Santa is the name we give the magic when we want it to be about the other person, and not about us. When we really understand that, Santa becomes real. So real, in fact, that it nearly becomes the purpose of life; certainly the purpose of this time of year. At the end of year, and ushering in a new one, we have the chance to be the best versions of ourselves. We often seek to become kinder, healthier, smarter. This is my favorite time of year not for all the activities I get to do, or the food that adds that extra layer of human around my waist, but for the spirit I feel burning inside me. The real me, aching to get out and make this place we’re all hanging out in, just a little better for no other reason that have someone feel the warmth of magic inside them.

So, ya. I believe in Santa, the real Santa. He’s the best of me, the best of you. He is who is there when we realize that it really is better to give, and to give without reward or thought of yourself. He has qualities I find supremely valuable and I’m desperately trying to be more like him.

When my boy asks me, in a freezing car, some cold December day sooner than I can prepare for, if Santa is real, I can confidently say, “Yes, son, he is, if you want to be him.”

I have thalassophobia; fear of open water. I used to think I was afraid of sharks (they are still terrifying, and I get sweaty palms when I think about swimming with them), but it isn’t just sharks. I don’t remember it ever starting, it’s just kinda always been. Growing up, I remember being fearful in local reservoirs. I would have a hard time controlling my panic after I fell off the tube or water skis. I remember looking at the endless horizon of the ocean on vacations and knowing, to my bones, that something out there was calling me. Like a lot of little boys, I wanted to live the (romantic) life of a pirate, but I knew that I couldn’t last because of my fear. The fear, like the open water, is deep. I feel something deep in me trying to connect to something deep in the water. This isn’t a peaceful connection. It’s dark, cold, heavy. The beat of my heart gains new bass and world becomes chilled when the depth calls to me. The silence of the water deafens me. This is bizarre to me since I was born and raised in the high desert of Utah. But this isn’t a secret.

Like a lot of kids, I was afraid of the dark. I had an imaginary friend (Fozzy) who helped, and I eventually outgrew it. I do remember, however, after watching “The Blair Witch Project” in high school, I may or may not have turned on a lot of lights when I got home. 😉

I grew up afraid of snakes. So I spent time in the local library reading everything I could about them till I could handle it. I eventually had a pet boa.

I have climbed over 20,000 feet tall peaks, I have dangled from sheer cliff sides by just my fingers. I have gipped the handles of ice axes while climbing frozen waterfalls. I have jumped out of airplanes, and walked on tightropes over canyons. I’ve never been afraid of heights, but I can’t handle standing on a ladder very well. I get to the middle of the ladder and I just know it’s gonna tip over. When I get to the top, and there are nothing for my deathgrip to squeeze, the world spins.

Heights, snakes, confined spaces, the dark, even the creepy spiders I dislike, aren’t fears of mine; not my biggest fear anyway. My biggest fear I hide. I put on a shelf, in the furthest corner of my mind and conceal it. Covering it with charismatic illusions in the hopes that no one will ever see it. Because my biggest fear…

is that you’ll see me…

the way I see myself.

• Smaller then a town or village, a hamlet is a small settlement where everyone knows everyone.
• A morbid tragedy by Shakespeare about mortality, madness, and murder.

Through my life, I, and I think maybe you too, have felt like everyone around me knows everything about me. Mostly, I feel that people recognize my faults. They see the skeletons in my closet. I can’t hide the sides of me I wish were somehow more concealed. These are the parts of me that, when I analyze myself, I wish I could magically wave away. In reality, the effort it takes to change it is perhaps more than I am willing to dedicate. I would rather forget the trauma of my life, the things I have seen and experienced. I would rather drown myself in work and hobbies in an effort to blur the visions and mute the noise. I know it’s a self-preservation tactic, and a trauma response, to try and always be busy. For me, it works. I somehow feel like everyone sees through it, knows I’m faking it. Knows why I am doing it. Like a hamlet (small “h”) I feel like I live in a small town where everyone knows.

Hamlet (big “H”) has always been one of my very favorite plays, not just my favorite Shakespearian play. I haven’t totally explored why that is, but one thing I know is that it is full of beautiful language that somehow spoke to me. “To be, or not to be,” as we all have heard, is most certainly the question. I believe that “to be” is the answer; and whatever you’re going to be, be great at it. I don’t know if Hamlet feels like a reflection of me (unlike Romeo). Do I identify with his loss? Do I empathize with his juxtaposition of allegiance to country and avenging his father? I’m not sure. What got me thinking about it this morning was advice I gave my oldest daughter as she went off to live adventure and learn life. When she left, I sent her a text with some of the tips from Hamlet I, iii, 55-81. This is some of the best fatherly advice to a son, but it fits so well I had to plagiarize it (sorry Will, love ya man).

In my summery (which falls tragically short of the real deal): “Hey, kid, you gotta go, you’re ride is leaving.” (maybe the father sees the hesitation, and for sure the father feels his own hesitations! Sending your kid off to a great unknown is SO scary. At some point, I feel, you gotta let the little one’s swim on their own. You can’t be the coach forever, you have to step into the cheerleader position and root them on.)

“I get it, kiddo. But I’m excited for you. There, you’ve got my blessing and encouragement to go and live the most exciting and fullest life you can live. But, because I am a little scared, can I give you some advice?”

“Who you are is important, your character. You need to develop that. As grown up as you are, you still have a loot of growing up to do. Don’t say everything you think. Think first, and think about what you’re thinking before you say it. What we say and what we do is how we’re judged. Be deliberate. Also dress nice, but not too fancy; classy goes a long way.”

“Relax, be yourself, be cool because you are cool, not acting cool. This is also known as self-confidant. Although you may not be confidant in the situation or new skills you learn, be confidant in yourself. You can do hard things. But in that chill nature, don’t be rude, or vulgar. Don’t let foul language be a normal for you. It’s the weak mind’s attempt to flavor it’s language. Be better than that, you’re smart, use smart words.”

“Friends are important, but very few of them will last long. Even fewer will last a lifetime. The ones who do are usually family. If your family is your friends too, you’re fortunate. If you have friends that have proven they are real friends, hold tight to them. It’s rare to have friends move through life with you and they can often share unique perspectives with you. Don’t fight with them, or anyone for that matter. Physical fights aren’t worth it and there is never a winner in mental and emotional fights. BUT, if the fight is unavoidable, defend yourself and hit hard. If it’s an emotional or mental fight, be sure to check yourself and be fair in language used. You can’t take words back, and even if you ‘win’ you may loose the other person in your life.”

“Entertainment in any form is a break from reality. Clubs, movies, events, whatever. None of it is reality. It’s all entertainment. Be careful not to spend all your money on the fun things, save for the future you can’t see yet. Don’t borrow from friends or family. Too often that loan will poison that relationship, and you may lose the money and the relationship.”

“Be willing to listen to everyone’s point of view, but don’t tell everyone yours. Hold your core belief’s close to your chest. Remember religion and politics are naturally divisive. When listening, be willing to take criticism. Often you can find a gem of wisdom in people’s judgement. You, however, should not judge others, but when you do, keep it to yourself. If someone asks for your criticism, they are really looking for your praise; give that away freely. Be curious about others, not judgmental.”

“Finally, the one that I don’t dare paraphrase, “to thy own self be true.” But first you need to know yourself. The temple at Delphi had, “Know thyself” etched into the stone. You had to know who you are and what you want before you could approach the Gods for anything. So, learn about yourself. Take good, hard looks at who you are and why you are the way you are. When you start learning about that, be true to it.”

It’s been more than a hot minute that I have been here posting. Not because my life isn’t being lived, because it is being lived; hence my absence.

What am I up to? stay tuned. One thing is certain, I’m going to start back at this blog thing.

I made these, but didn’t put them in list form till now. So, here is my list of the 15 things I resolve to do to make a more radical 2019

1. Write in my blog more – once a week
2. Finish my Red Deer Lodge novel by the end of the year
3. Re-start, and recommit, to violin lessons – attend once a month, practice once (or more) a week
4. Climb Whitney, Notch, Rainier… train more, climb more rock and ice
5. Ski more – weekly
6. Watch less TV, read more – limit to one show a night, then read
7. Start taking a ‘cyber sabbath’ day – once a week no digital stuff
8. Write two letters a month, send them to people you’ve been thinking of
9. Tick off 10 things on your bucket list
10. Recommit to meditation – daily, minimum of 15 min
11. Have better sex
12. Get out of credit card debt, start killing student loans
13. See all the parks in Utah
14. Get out of Utah (vacation) at least twice
15. Be more romantic

The wind whispered, the trees danced and the snow smiled. Being out in the wilderness I am reminded that I come from the wilderness. My heart was born here, my body made from the same elements. My soul longs to return to the wilderness, to dance with the trees and share the secrets of the wind. The Earth always invites me back, and when I return it seems she is overjoyed to have me. It’s here I am reminded of the importance of the soul, and how to touch it, and why that is so critical.

I don’t think that many can understand why I enjoy the torture of the mountains. It’s probably because, for me, it’s not torture. It’s a return home. It’s exactly how I see heaven. Quiet, filled with love and acceptance. Somewhere I can be myself with out judgement or fear of rejection. I pay a price to feel that way, sometimes that price hurts, but it’s always worth it. When my lungs burn, I can feel the love of the cool air. When my heart pounds in my ears, it drowns out the world around me and the distracting thoughts so I can hear the whispers of the wind. When my muscles ache and beg for me to stop, I know that the sweet calming of natures peace and love are almost ready to embrace me. It’s here I remember who I am, where I came from and where I hope to get to. It’s here I don’t have to wait for heaven.

I love the mountains. They are gentle, serious, kind, unforgiving, beautiful and daunting forces that demand humility and expect the pilgrim to believe. Not in the traditions of others but to believe in the mountain, in the power of nature and the earth. There is power here, and it is raw. To be able to tap into that is one of the greatest things I have discovered in this life. It’s here I have found my God. It’s here I am visited by my brother. It’s here I fill my cup in hopes of returning home to fill the cups of others.

Rene Daumal said, “You cannot stay on the summit forever; you have to come down again. So why bother in the first place? Just this: What is above knows what is below, but what is below does not know what is above. One climbs, one sees. One descends, one sees no longer, but one has seen. There is an art of conducting oneself in the lower regions by the memory of what one saw higher up. When one can no longer see, one can at least still know.”

I have been to the mountain top, but not all the tops. I have seen, but still have a world to discover. I have climbed, and descended. I hope to one day be able to conduct myself as one who knows what I know and who has seen what I have seen. Till I master that lesson, I will continue to climb.

“Mountains have always been spiritual symbols. In nearly every culture, nearly every religion, the mountains have been recognized as the abode of God. Never before have I felt such power from the earth as I do here. It’s impossible to ignore, impossible to doubt. I love to be among the mountains. They remind me of God, they serve as places of peace and meditation, they allow such communion with the spiritual nature of life as no other place can. To climb mountains intensifies these feelings. In climbing there i absolute simplicity and undisturbed focus that opens channels in the soul which allows it to  be filled with an overwhelming sense of life around you, an overwhelming sense of God. I doubt there is any other way to procure such emotion – I suppose that is why mountains have always served important functions in the religion of humankind. I feel very blessed to have the opportunities that I’e been given to climb. I think sometimes it’s difficult for others to understand – but for me – it is simply a way of life.” -Mike Nelson

So this thing happened. I had the opportunity to officiate at my brothers wedding. This is a big deal to me, seeing that this particular brother and I weren’t really friends for a long time. That relationship has since bloomed into one of the most rewarding in my life, and I am grateful for him. Anyway, being able to really conduct this ceremony was an honor.

So, these two are married. Not because of anything I said, but because of what they chose. I just got to be there for the ride. It was awesome.

Congrats to these two. My very best wishes and hopes and dreams for you. May the ups be as wonderful as the downs. May you have the ability to look upon the winters of your relationship with as much awe and inspiration as you do the summers. May the knife of hard times carve out of you the imperfections of your ego and leave more space for love to fill.

“We are gathered here today to celebrate one of life’s greatest moments,  to give recognition to the worth and beauty of love, and to add our best wishes to the words which shall unite Jeff and Amanda in marriage.

Love is the core of marriage and why we are here today. Marriage takes trust, to know in your hearts that you truly want the best for each other. It takes dedication, to stay open to one another – and to learn and grow together. It takes faith, to go forward together without knowing exactly what the future brings. And it takes commitment; to hold true to the journey you both pledge today to share together.

Jeff and Amanda, I would ask that you both remember to treat yourself and each other with respect, and remind yourself often of what brought you together today.
Give the highest priority to the tenderness, gentleness and kindness that your marriage deserves. When frustration and difficulty assail your marriage – as they do to every relationship at one time or another – focus on what still seems right between you, not only the part that seems wrong. This way, when clouds of trouble hide the sun in your lives and you lose sight of it for a moment, you can remember that the sun is still there. And if each of you will take responsibility for the quality of your life together, it will be marked by abundance and delight.

This celebration today is the outward token of your sacred and inward union of hearts, which the church or temple may bless, and the state make legal, but which neither state nor church can create nor annul. It is a union created by your loving purpose and kept by your abiding will. It is in this spirit and for this purpose that you have come here to be joined together.

Jeff and Amanda will now exchange their vows

Jeff and Amanda: as you dedicate yourselves to one another, we are mindful of the presence of God around us. In this sacred and joyful moment, we call upon the highest in you the divine inner presence that brought you to love and has chosen for you the sweet commitment of marriage.

For you we ask every blessing of this moment; a confirmation of the wisdom of your choice; great happiness on the path that is set before you, discretion, kindness and care as you walk upon it; strength to live out your purpose; grace and peace through each step of your journey; and beloved family and friends to support you.

 

Jeff, are you here to ask Amanda to be your partner, your lover, your friend and your wife? Do you intend to give her your deepest friendship and love, not only when you are feeling bright and alive, but also when you are feeling down? Not only when you remember clearly that you are a manifestation of Love, but even in those times when you forget? Do you announce before God and those here present that you will seek always to see the Light of Divinity within Amanda, and seek always to share the Light of Divinity within you?

Amanda, are you here to ask Jeff to be your partner, your lover, your friend and your husband? Do you intend to give him your deepest friendship and love, not only when you are feeling bright and alive, but also when you are feeling down? Not only when you remember clearly that you are a manifestation of Love, but even in those times when you forget? Do you announce before God and those here present that you will seek always to see the Light of Divinity within Jeff, and seek always to share the Light of Divinity within you?

Jeff and Amanda, by the power vested in me, and with great pleasure, I humbly declare you Man and Wife.

Jeff, kiss your bride. Amanda, embrace your husband.”